It certainly has been a strange and yet fulfilling couple of years, and I'm sorry to say it's been a while since I've posted. Time to change that eh?
Not really posting to say a lot right now, but posting to remind myself it's here, and something I do want to continue and grow, as really it only reflects growth in myself.
I've a new found confidence professionally, and spiritually. The one thing that I struggle with now, is how will I proceed forward from here. I'm excited, and nervous, but I know so long as I'm doing what I feel is right all will turn well in the end.
The question for me is; where and what will the end be?
Stay well
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
A TRIBUTE
Dear blog space,
It is time I used you for a new purpose, I need to make a tribute to a child I will now, never have. I was pregnant, until last week, and am now healing. This is my tribute, things I wish I could tell my baby, that I will never have a chance to actually say. Things that I need to say and come to terms with myself.
I miscarried. It seemed right as I became accustomed to being pregnant, it was taken away. I now worry I will never be able to have children, whether its a valid worry or not, it's there. I also feel jealous of all my pregnant friends and family. Why them and not me? I've been through a lot in my life, why this, why now? I quit smoking, drinking, caffeine,*the day* I took an at-home pregnancy test and it came up positive. I have friends who never quit anything, and they have perfectly healthy babies. I quit it all, because I didn't want to take the chance of EVER hurting my child, and I lost it. Why?
Had it been born a girl my husband and I wanted to name her Evelynn or Evey for short, we had not thought of a middle name. Had it been a boy we wanted to name him Dominc Brandis. I wonder if my not knowing the sex is now a good thing or a bad thing, we weren't far enough a long to tell anyways, but I will always wonder now.
I fear I will always be sad, that I will always miss this child I will never have. A piece of me has died, a piece of me that I loved far more than myself, even though I only knew of its existence for a little while.
If I could just tell you , if I could just let you know how I feel, I would say
"I love you baby. Even though I could only imagine our lives together, it was wonderful, and I am so deeply saddened that I will now never get a chance to share that with you, to experience life together. Even though I could only know you for a couple of weeks, I loved you, and always will. I always wanted you, and feel devastated that I can not have you. I am sorry that I can not have you, if in any way it was my fault. I miss you. My heart yearns to have you back and I would do *ANYTHING* to have you, if I only could. I know I can never replace you, but only move on, and that creates a sadness, a void, that I feel I will never fill. I know I will move on one day, that the pain wont be so severe but I will always love you and regret that I can not have you. You will be in my heart always."
It is time I used you for a new purpose, I need to make a tribute to a child I will now, never have. I was pregnant, until last week, and am now healing. This is my tribute, things I wish I could tell my baby, that I will never have a chance to actually say. Things that I need to say and come to terms with myself.
I miscarried. It seemed right as I became accustomed to being pregnant, it was taken away. I now worry I will never be able to have children, whether its a valid worry or not, it's there. I also feel jealous of all my pregnant friends and family. Why them and not me? I've been through a lot in my life, why this, why now? I quit smoking, drinking, caffeine,*the day* I took an at-home pregnancy test and it came up positive. I have friends who never quit anything, and they have perfectly healthy babies. I quit it all, because I didn't want to take the chance of EVER hurting my child, and I lost it. Why?
Had it been born a girl my husband and I wanted to name her Evelynn or Evey for short, we had not thought of a middle name. Had it been a boy we wanted to name him Dominc Brandis. I wonder if my not knowing the sex is now a good thing or a bad thing, we weren't far enough a long to tell anyways, but I will always wonder now.
I fear I will always be sad, that I will always miss this child I will never have. A piece of me has died, a piece of me that I loved far more than myself, even though I only knew of its existence for a little while.
If I could just tell you , if I could just let you know how I feel, I would say
"I love you baby. Even though I could only imagine our lives together, it was wonderful, and I am so deeply saddened that I will now never get a chance to share that with you, to experience life together. Even though I could only know you for a couple of weeks, I loved you, and always will. I always wanted you, and feel devastated that I can not have you. I am sorry that I can not have you, if in any way it was my fault. I miss you. My heart yearns to have you back and I would do *ANYTHING* to have you, if I only could. I know I can never replace you, but only move on, and that creates a sadness, a void, that I feel I will never fill. I know I will move on one day, that the pain wont be so severe but I will always love you and regret that I can not have you. You will be in my heart always."
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Looking Over My Shoulder
So its been a while, I've forgone my old tech forums, and yes even this blog, and have gone a bit deeper, I have gone soul searching. I've decided its time to confront the past and get it over with. Again I don't want to go off in a tangent (then again it is my blog, that no one reads but me...so who cares?) but this needs to be discussed.
I work with technology, my job is to make things that don't work, work, and then secure it and make sure there's some redundant systems and backups, just in case something happens. I look at all the special care we put into "protecting our sensitive information" and wonder why we don't have the same passion for protecting people. Sure we have the police, but we know that's a 50/50 mix of people that actually want to make a difference and people that are power hungry. Where are the people that save us from compromise? Where's the security and redundant systems and backups for us?
I had a rough childhood, not something that's any one person's fault, just luck of the draw for the most part. Still, when i look back on it, I can see that if *JUST ONE PERSON* had made an effort to see what was wrong, the suffering may not have lasted as long as it did, for me in particular (but others too). If just 1 person had said "whats really going on?", i might have had some chance at a somewhat normal childhood. As it is, no one did, and i did not have a normal least of all pleasant child/teen hood. I'm surprised sometimes I've made it as far as I have considering.
As I've been looking in retrospect, I feel there is a need for people who care. There is a need for people who want to protect others from harm. I feel there is a need for someone to take extra time with our children to make sure they are not being taken advantage of.
But I work on computers all day. What can I do? (really...what?)
It seems to me that all great people throughout history have had great passion, and when I think about what I am truly passionate about, computers, hell, technology, is not it. I like it, don't get me wrong, its fun, but am I passionate about it? Hell no, its entirely unfufilling. What I am passionate about is helping others like me, and preventing others from becoming like me. This realization has sent me spinning, and I don't know where I'll land...but I'll be sure to blog about it when I do.
I work with technology, my job is to make things that don't work, work, and then secure it and make sure there's some redundant systems and backups, just in case something happens. I look at all the special care we put into "protecting our sensitive information" and wonder why we don't have the same passion for protecting people. Sure we have the police, but we know that's a 50/50 mix of people that actually want to make a difference and people that are power hungry. Where are the people that save us from compromise? Where's the security and redundant systems and backups for us?
I had a rough childhood, not something that's any one person's fault, just luck of the draw for the most part. Still, when i look back on it, I can see that if *JUST ONE PERSON* had made an effort to see what was wrong, the suffering may not have lasted as long as it did, for me in particular (but others too). If just 1 person had said "whats really going on?", i might have had some chance at a somewhat normal childhood. As it is, no one did, and i did not have a normal least of all pleasant child/teen hood. I'm surprised sometimes I've made it as far as I have considering.
As I've been looking in retrospect, I feel there is a need for people who care. There is a need for people who want to protect others from harm. I feel there is a need for someone to take extra time with our children to make sure they are not being taken advantage of.
But I work on computers all day. What can I do? (really...what?)
It seems to me that all great people throughout history have had great passion, and when I think about what I am truly passionate about, computers, hell, technology, is not it. I like it, don't get me wrong, its fun, but am I passionate about it? Hell no, its entirely unfufilling. What I am passionate about is helping others like me, and preventing others from becoming like me. This realization has sent me spinning, and I don't know where I'll land...but I'll be sure to blog about it when I do.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Just a thought
I was thinking back on my past this morning. I don't want to go into any grand story, but I think there's a very important piece of advice I'd like to share with the cosmos (you), that stems almost entirely from my past experiences.
IF you should ever here someone say to you "IF you loved me, you wouldn't need me to love you back". Pick up what little piece of dignity you have left, if any at that point, and run. Run Run Run Away....and NEVER look back.
Love is a two way street. You give love <--> you receive love. It may not always go as planned but that's the gist of it. One way or another it will always come back around. Love is something shared between two beings, not something given, it's not a present, you can't just hand it to someone, its something earned. It's something created. You can not love that which does not love you back. You're only hurting yourself trying.
IF EVER someone implies that you "love them unconditionally, without expecting anything in return", RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! Crawl out a window, jump off a bridge, do it up CIA style and secret agent yourself on out of that relationship......REGARDLESS of who it's with; man, woman, extra-terrestrial, what have you.
You are worth, what you feel you're worth in this world. No one can decide it for you, so don't give them the chance to try. Be Happy, Love, Be Yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff. Love yourself first, take time for you, if you don't who will?
IF you should ever here someone say to you "IF you loved me, you wouldn't need me to love you back". Pick up what little piece of dignity you have left, if any at that point, and run. Run Run Run Away....and NEVER look back.
Love is a two way street. You give love <--> you receive love. It may not always go as planned but that's the gist of it. One way or another it will always come back around. Love is something shared between two beings, not something given, it's not a present, you can't just hand it to someone, its something earned. It's something created. You can not love that which does not love you back. You're only hurting yourself trying.
IF EVER someone implies that you "love them unconditionally, without expecting anything in return", RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! Crawl out a window, jump off a bridge, do it up CIA style and secret agent yourself on out of that relationship......REGARDLESS of who it's with; man, woman, extra-terrestrial, what have you.
You are worth, what you feel you're worth in this world. No one can decide it for you, so don't give them the chance to try. Be Happy, Love, Be Yourself. Don't sweat the small stuff. Love yourself first, take time for you, if you don't who will?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
ADA LOVELACE DAY!
When I first heard of the Ada Lovelace day pledge, to blog about a woman in technology whom I admire, it didn't take me long to figure out who I would be blogging about. Now you can shun me for being GenY and too family oriented (pshaw), but the woman in technology whom I most admire, is my mom, Linda Brumfield.
Linda Brumfield grew up in the small town of Ironton, Ohio. In high school she played basketball, and played all-state flute and piccolo in the band. After high school she began attending college at Ohio State University and graduated a K-12 educator. She became married, had four children, and slowly continued her education at OSU obtaining her masters degree in computer science. She went from school teacher to the first tech coordinator in the school district. She traveled school to school designing, implementing, managing and maintaining the school's new network infrastructures. She brought computer technology and public education together for the first time in the school district.
In 1996, Linda fell ill. The disease being rare and widely unrecognized, was mistreated, causing her illness to not only worsen but also causing additional health problems. She began a tough time in her life. With the illness, dealing with the beginning stages of divorce, and trying to raise four kids on her own, she moved with her four children away from southern Ohio out west to a drier, healthier climate and a fresh start. Although times were hard for her, she continued her pursuit of computer science and networking technologies. Eventually she was hired for a job as a adjunct professor for DeVry University, and again began integrating technology and education. She was a full-time professor in the Networking and Telecommunications Management department for five years before she started a job at DeVry's corporate office. Due to health conditions she was allowed to work from home, and since then she has been designing course layouts, labs, materials and curriculums as well as continuing to teach on-line classes, for almost four years. To this day, she continues to work with the latest and greatest upcoming technologies to design and teach college courses per corporate and industry standards.
She's a compassionate, good hearted woman, someone who's always there to help a friend in need and be a shoulder to cry on. She's an excellent mother, showing my brothers and I that you can do anything in this life if you put your mind to it, and giving us her undying support and love. She's a superb peer and co-work who you can learn a lot from. She's a great teacher and example, in life and in the field. I couldn't be more proud to have such a smart talented woman in my life. HAPPY ADA LOVELACE DAY EVERYONE!
Linda Brumfield grew up in the small town of Ironton, Ohio. In high school she played basketball, and played all-state flute and piccolo in the band. After high school she began attending college at Ohio State University and graduated a K-12 educator. She became married, had four children, and slowly continued her education at OSU obtaining her masters degree in computer science. She went from school teacher to the first tech coordinator in the school district. She traveled school to school designing, implementing, managing and maintaining the school's new network infrastructures. She brought computer technology and public education together for the first time in the school district.
In 1996, Linda fell ill. The disease being rare and widely unrecognized, was mistreated, causing her illness to not only worsen but also causing additional health problems. She began a tough time in her life. With the illness, dealing with the beginning stages of divorce, and trying to raise four kids on her own, she moved with her four children away from southern Ohio out west to a drier, healthier climate and a fresh start. Although times were hard for her, she continued her pursuit of computer science and networking technologies. Eventually she was hired for a job as a adjunct professor for DeVry University, and again began integrating technology and education. She was a full-time professor in the Networking and Telecommunications Management department for five years before she started a job at DeVry's corporate office. Due to health conditions she was allowed to work from home, and since then she has been designing course layouts, labs, materials and curriculums as well as continuing to teach on-line classes, for almost four years. To this day, she continues to work with the latest and greatest upcoming technologies to design and teach college courses per corporate and industry standards.
She's a compassionate, good hearted woman, someone who's always there to help a friend in need and be a shoulder to cry on. She's an excellent mother, showing my brothers and I that you can do anything in this life if you put your mind to it, and giving us her undying support and love. She's a superb peer and co-work who you can learn a lot from. She's a great teacher and example, in life and in the field. I couldn't be more proud to have such a smart talented woman in my life. HAPPY ADA LOVELACE DAY EVERYONE!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Dont forget ADA LOVELACE
Hello,
Wow I'm a horrible blogger...too much info not nearly enough time. Just a quick reminder to be finishing up your ADA LOVELACE day blogs for everyone to post on the 24th this month. (I know everyone signed up...::cough cough::.
I'm finished with mine (nana nana boo boo) and just going through the revisions. It's an important time to recognize the changes we've made in society with technology, especially us lady-folks who most generally get shoved under the rug. Don't forget, it's the 24th of this month, which is a Tuesday. Take a little time from work (not that I'd ever do such a thing) and take a look at other's who've posted.
Wow I'm a horrible blogger...too much info not nearly enough time. Just a quick reminder to be finishing up your ADA LOVELACE day blogs for everyone to post on the 24th this month. (I know everyone signed up...::cough cough::.
I'm finished with mine (nana nana boo boo) and just going through the revisions. It's an important time to recognize the changes we've made in society with technology, especially us lady-folks who most generally get shoved under the rug. Don't forget, it's the 24th of this month, which is a Tuesday. Take a little time from work (not that I'd ever do such a thing) and take a look at other's who've posted.
Monday, January 26, 2009
GenY vs GenX vs Baby boomer....there's a difference>
Okay...call me dumb...but I keep hearing all these people talk about how bad GenY is. That we "need people to hold our hands" and that we "need people to tell us please and thank you". That we are more dependant upon our family life, and that we demand more of our personal time. That we have good relationships with our parents!
I happen to be GenY (as if you couldn't tell by all the "we" statements), and I fail to see what the problem is. (Stoopid GenY mumble mumble) So I think I want to address the issues that I've heard thus far, one subject at a time.
1. "Hold my hand!" - 1st of all let me say that I've never seen or heard of a more independent group than what our generation is today. We are self taught, we are self learning, we collaborate with others often and effectively, yet no one's pushing us to do so. We communicate in a way that we can collaborate with people all over the WORLD, and without meeting face to face, can effectively and efficiently come to a solution or conclusion. We work to support our families, including our GenX and baby boomer parents and grandparents. Is it our willingness to ask someone else their advice, knowledge or opinion that gives us this "holding hands" image or what?
2. Please and Thank you - The fact that this is even an issue makes me ashamed. I was raised to say "Please" and "Thank you" when I ask or receive something. It's common courtesy. If previous gen's don't like it, why was it so imposed BY THEM that we abide by these common courtsies? Now it's bad if we say "Please" and "Thank you"?
3. MAMA! PAPA! - We are more dependant upon our families, we need their support. I'm not addressing that one, except to say that if you don't feel you should be around your family, if you don't "feel their support", or disregard their support, then your a sad person. Money is nothing, it comes and goes, family is everything and will last until the day you die. If you can't see that, good luck with the rest of your life.
4. I WANT MY 2 WEEKS PAID VACATION! - GEN-X your more to blame for this than any other. We watched you break your backs for meager means to come home having nervous breakdowns and serious health problems. Sometimes you wouldn't even make it home, rather die in the office. Work does not = life. I work to support my family just like you have, but the difference is, I won't let them work me ill. Life is hard no doubt, over-time mandatory, BUT I'll take some much needed time off, because I realize that I'm no good to my family dead (or near to it). Sorry, I think we should all demand some PT, it's human, people need time to unravel. After weeks, months, maybe even years of hard work, you deserve it.
5. I love my Momma! - and YES I DO! She's my support, she's my mis-lead Gen-X'er who has told me regarding the statements above, to do what's right for myself. To ask questions, to say please and thank you, to not work to hard because FAMILY is what counts. She was the pillar Gen-X er I got to watch spin like a top into the ground. She's the reason I am the way I am today.
Honestly...how different are we Gen Y, X, boomers? If asked the same questions, or the same accusations were made against you, what would you say? Would it be all that different? You don't have to agree with me, and if you don't feel free to post (as if anyone but me reads this thing) this is my spot to vent, and VENT I SHALL! (Just writing this has made me feel a lil like William Wallace in Braveheart....FREEEEDOOOOM!!!!!)
I happen to be GenY (as if you couldn't tell by all the "we" statements), and I fail to see what the problem is. (Stoopid GenY mumble mumble) So I think I want to address the issues that I've heard thus far, one subject at a time.
1. "Hold my hand!" - 1st of all let me say that I've never seen or heard of a more independent group than what our generation is today. We are self taught, we are self learning, we collaborate with others often and effectively, yet no one's pushing us to do so. We communicate in a way that we can collaborate with people all over the WORLD, and without meeting face to face, can effectively and efficiently come to a solution or conclusion. We work to support our families, including our GenX and baby boomer parents and grandparents. Is it our willingness to ask someone else their advice, knowledge or opinion that gives us this "holding hands" image or what?
2. Please and Thank you - The fact that this is even an issue makes me ashamed. I was raised to say "Please" and "Thank you" when I ask or receive something. It's common courtesy. If previous gen's don't like it, why was it so imposed BY THEM that we abide by these common courtsies? Now it's bad if we say "Please" and "Thank you"?
3. MAMA! PAPA! - We are more dependant upon our families, we need their support. I'm not addressing that one, except to say that if you don't feel you should be around your family, if you don't "feel their support", or disregard their support, then your a sad person. Money is nothing, it comes and goes, family is everything and will last until the day you die. If you can't see that, good luck with the rest of your life.
4. I WANT MY 2 WEEKS PAID VACATION! - GEN-X your more to blame for this than any other. We watched you break your backs for meager means to come home having nervous breakdowns and serious health problems. Sometimes you wouldn't even make it home, rather die in the office. Work does not = life. I work to support my family just like you have, but the difference is, I won't let them work me ill. Life is hard no doubt, over-time mandatory, BUT I'll take some much needed time off, because I realize that I'm no good to my family dead (or near to it). Sorry, I think we should all demand some PT, it's human, people need time to unravel. After weeks, months, maybe even years of hard work, you deserve it.
5. I love my Momma! - and YES I DO! She's my support, she's my mis-lead Gen-X'er who has told me regarding the statements above, to do what's right for myself. To ask questions, to say please and thank you, to not work to hard because FAMILY is what counts. She was the pillar Gen-X er I got to watch spin like a top into the ground. She's the reason I am the way I am today.
Honestly...how different are we Gen Y, X, boomers? If asked the same questions, or the same accusations were made against you, what would you say? Would it be all that different? You don't have to agree with me, and if you don't feel free to post (as if anyone but me reads this thing) this is my spot to vent, and VENT I SHALL! (Just writing this has made me feel a lil like William Wallace in Braveheart....FREEEEDOOOOM!!!!!)
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