Dear blog space,
It is time I used you for a new purpose, I need to make a tribute to a child I will now, never have. I was pregnant, until last week, and am now healing. This is my tribute, things I wish I could tell my baby, that I will never have a chance to actually say. Things that I need to say and come to terms with myself.
I miscarried. It seemed right as I became accustomed to being pregnant, it was taken away. I now worry I will never be able to have children, whether its a valid worry or not, it's there. I also feel jealous of all my pregnant friends and family. Why them and not me? I've been through a lot in my life, why this, why now? I quit smoking, drinking, caffeine,*the day* I took an at-home pregnancy test and it came up positive. I have friends who never quit anything, and they have perfectly healthy babies. I quit it all, because I didn't want to take the chance of EVER hurting my child, and I lost it. Why?
Had it been born a girl my husband and I wanted to name her Evelynn or Evey for short, we had not thought of a middle name. Had it been a boy we wanted to name him Dominc Brandis. I wonder if my not knowing the sex is now a good thing or a bad thing, we weren't far enough a long to tell anyways, but I will always wonder now.
I fear I will always be sad, that I will always miss this child I will never have. A piece of me has died, a piece of me that I loved far more than myself, even though I only knew of its existence for a little while.
If I could just tell you , if I could just let you know how I feel, I would say
"I love you baby. Even though I could only imagine our lives together, it was wonderful, and I am so deeply saddened that I will now never get a chance to share that with you, to experience life together. Even though I could only know you for a couple of weeks, I loved you, and always will. I always wanted you, and feel devastated that I can not have you. I am sorry that I can not have you, if in any way it was my fault. I miss you. My heart yearns to have you back and I would do *ANYTHING* to have you, if I only could. I know I can never replace you, but only move on, and that creates a sadness, a void, that I feel I will never fill. I know I will move on one day, that the pain wont be so severe but I will always love you and regret that I can not have you. You will be in my heart always."
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Looking Over My Shoulder
So its been a while, I've forgone my old tech forums, and yes even this blog, and have gone a bit deeper, I have gone soul searching. I've decided its time to confront the past and get it over with. Again I don't want to go off in a tangent (then again it is my blog, that no one reads but me...so who cares?) but this needs to be discussed.
I work with technology, my job is to make things that don't work, work, and then secure it and make sure there's some redundant systems and backups, just in case something happens. I look at all the special care we put into "protecting our sensitive information" and wonder why we don't have the same passion for protecting people. Sure we have the police, but we know that's a 50/50 mix of people that actually want to make a difference and people that are power hungry. Where are the people that save us from compromise? Where's the security and redundant systems and backups for us?
I had a rough childhood, not something that's any one person's fault, just luck of the draw for the most part. Still, when i look back on it, I can see that if *JUST ONE PERSON* had made an effort to see what was wrong, the suffering may not have lasted as long as it did, for me in particular (but others too). If just 1 person had said "whats really going on?", i might have had some chance at a somewhat normal childhood. As it is, no one did, and i did not have a normal least of all pleasant child/teen hood. I'm surprised sometimes I've made it as far as I have considering.
As I've been looking in retrospect, I feel there is a need for people who care. There is a need for people who want to protect others from harm. I feel there is a need for someone to take extra time with our children to make sure they are not being taken advantage of.
But I work on computers all day. What can I do? (really...what?)
It seems to me that all great people throughout history have had great passion, and when I think about what I am truly passionate about, computers, hell, technology, is not it. I like it, don't get me wrong, its fun, but am I passionate about it? Hell no, its entirely unfufilling. What I am passionate about is helping others like me, and preventing others from becoming like me. This realization has sent me spinning, and I don't know where I'll land...but I'll be sure to blog about it when I do.
I work with technology, my job is to make things that don't work, work, and then secure it and make sure there's some redundant systems and backups, just in case something happens. I look at all the special care we put into "protecting our sensitive information" and wonder why we don't have the same passion for protecting people. Sure we have the police, but we know that's a 50/50 mix of people that actually want to make a difference and people that are power hungry. Where are the people that save us from compromise? Where's the security and redundant systems and backups for us?
I had a rough childhood, not something that's any one person's fault, just luck of the draw for the most part. Still, when i look back on it, I can see that if *JUST ONE PERSON* had made an effort to see what was wrong, the suffering may not have lasted as long as it did, for me in particular (but others too). If just 1 person had said "whats really going on?", i might have had some chance at a somewhat normal childhood. As it is, no one did, and i did not have a normal least of all pleasant child/teen hood. I'm surprised sometimes I've made it as far as I have considering.
As I've been looking in retrospect, I feel there is a need for people who care. There is a need for people who want to protect others from harm. I feel there is a need for someone to take extra time with our children to make sure they are not being taken advantage of.
But I work on computers all day. What can I do? (really...what?)
It seems to me that all great people throughout history have had great passion, and when I think about what I am truly passionate about, computers, hell, technology, is not it. I like it, don't get me wrong, its fun, but am I passionate about it? Hell no, its entirely unfufilling. What I am passionate about is helping others like me, and preventing others from becoming like me. This realization has sent me spinning, and I don't know where I'll land...but I'll be sure to blog about it when I do.
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