So its been a while, I've forgone my old tech forums, and yes even this blog, and have gone a bit deeper, I have gone soul searching. I've decided its time to confront the past and get it over with. Again I don't want to go off in a tangent (then again it is my blog, that no one reads but me...so who cares?) but this needs to be discussed.
I work with technology, my job is to make things that don't work, work, and then secure it and make sure there's some redundant systems and backups, just in case something happens. I look at all the special care we put into "protecting our sensitive information" and wonder why we don't have the same passion for protecting people. Sure we have the police, but we know that's a 50/50 mix of people that actually want to make a difference and people that are power hungry. Where are the people that save us from compromise? Where's the security and redundant systems and backups for us?
I had a rough childhood, not something that's any one person's fault, just luck of the draw for the most part. Still, when i look back on it, I can see that if *JUST ONE PERSON* had made an effort to see what was wrong, the suffering may not have lasted as long as it did, for me in particular (but others too). If just 1 person had said "whats really going on?", i might have had some chance at a somewhat normal childhood. As it is, no one did, and i did not have a normal least of all pleasant child/teen hood. I'm surprised sometimes I've made it as far as I have considering.
As I've been looking in retrospect, I feel there is a need for people who care. There is a need for people who want to protect others from harm. I feel there is a need for someone to take extra time with our children to make sure they are not being taken advantage of.
But I work on computers all day. What can I do? (really...what?)
It seems to me that all great people throughout history have had great passion, and when I think about what I am truly passionate about, computers, hell, technology, is not it. I like it, don't get me wrong, its fun, but am I passionate about it? Hell no, its entirely unfufilling. What I am passionate about is helping others like me, and preventing others from becoming like me. This realization has sent me spinning, and I don't know where I'll land...but I'll be sure to blog about it when I do.
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Sweetheart, you have helped others all your life and no matter what you do you still have that opportunity in so many ways. I have no doubts you believe in yourself, confidence was never a weakness for you although uncertainty and confusion may definitely have entwined to create an intricate web hard to define the nuances of crisply and clearly, at least. We are sorry for your loss of this baby, however we are unconcluded as to what has truly happened. Was there one lost and then another born later and given the name you had chosen for the first that you miscarried? I do hope the videos I am seeing of Evey are current ones and that this is where your focus is now, although I have no doubts it is. Someone really wants to be your friend these days and I hope you won't mind that. Not so sure it will be a part of your past you may wish no lingering part of to revisit you, although as with you, so MUCH, so MANY things have changed over the years. Undoubtedly we'd all be surprised.
ReplyDeleteFinal conclusion: embrace your passion it's a good one to have passion for and you are quite capable of helping others.
We love you and all you've ever been to all of us, and still and always will be.
Sorry, I know this is a very late response, I went off the grid for a little while as far as my internet communities are concerned. I appreciate your kind words, and want you to know how proud I am that things have not just changed for me, but for you as well. I'm proud to say that I now know many people who have and are still overcoming complex and uncomfortable circumstance, and it all give me hope.
ReplyDeleteAs for your question, I had originally been pregnant and at 11 weeks lost the baby. I ended up being pregnant with my now daughter about 6 months later. Her name was a combination of family and feelings, but had no connection to my previous pregnancy.
I do feel that things happen for a reason. If I hadn't miscarried, I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter now. That's not to say I wouldn't have loved the child that could have been equally, but (and call me biased) I love my daughter now so much that I can't be sad for my loss anymore. She has changed my life completely, and the soul searching has come to an end. I know what happened, it may make me angry or sad from time to time, but its merely scars to old wounds that are healed.
I look forward to the changes I may make in other people's lives, and in my own. I hope you are doing well, and that life has been nothing but kind to you.
All my love - B