A TRIBUTE

Dear blog space,

It is time I used you for a new purpose, I need to make a tribute to a child I will now, never have. I was pregnant, until last week, and am now healing. This is my tribute, things I wish I could tell my baby, that I will never have a chance to actually say. Things that I need to say and come to terms with myself.

I miscarried. It seemed right as I became accustomed to being pregnant, it was taken away. I now worry I will never be able to have children, whether its a valid worry or not, it's there. I also feel jealous of all my pregnant friends and family. Why them and not me? I've been through a lot in my life, why this, why now? I quit smoking, drinking, caffeine,*the day* I took an at-home pregnancy test and it came up positive. I have friends who never quit anything, and they have perfectly healthy babies. I quit it all, because I didn't want to take the chance of EVER hurting my child, and I lost it. Why?

Had it been born a girl my husband and I wanted to name her Evelynn or Evey for short, we had not thought of a middle name. Had it been a boy we wanted to name him Dominc Brandis. I wonder if my not knowing the sex is now a good thing or a bad thing, we weren't far enough a long to tell anyways, but I will always wonder now.

I fear I will always be sad, that I will always miss this child I will never have. A piece of me has died, a piece of me that I loved far more than myself, even though I only knew of its existence for a little while.

If I could just tell you , if I could just let you know how I feel, I would say

"I love you baby. Even though I could only imagine our lives together, it was wonderful, and I am so deeply saddened that I will now never get a chance to share that with you, to experience life together. Even though I could only know you for a couple of weeks, I loved you, and always will. I always wanted you, and feel devastated that I can not have you. I am sorry that I can not have you, if in any way it was my fault. I miss you. My heart yearns to have you back and I would do *ANYTHING* to have you, if I only could. I know I can never replace you, but only move on, and that creates a sadness, a void, that I feel I will never fill. I know I will move on one day, that the pain wont be so severe but I will always love you and regret that I can not have you. You will be in my heart always."